Warning: this blog post is not full of my normal happy light hearted art news!
I think I may be having a midlife crisis. Or maybe a severe case of the holiday blues. I recently spoke with a friend of mine who said, "I can tell by your Facebook posts that things are going well". To be honest I was beyond surprised, but then I realized I haven't really been honest with her about my trials and tribulations – ever. I used to spend one day a week closely working with her and never discussed my challenges. I would buy us lunch and listen to her talking about her stress about money while my own rent also needed to by paid. My reply was that I'm not the type of person to complain on Facebook followed by a laughed off "nobody cares". She called me out on what I know to be a lie, but is hard to remember.
I feel very far away from my family and my in-laws. In addition to the physical distance, the emotional distance between me and my tiny nuclear family is crushing. I had to stop re-watching the Gilmore Girls recently because that idealized relationship is so far from what I have. My husband's family is amazing and supportive, but also very far away.
Gosh I sound like a 16 year old having a pity party and I kind of feel that way too.
Maybe it's a midlife crisis: our small business is struggling and it's difficult to be an artist. Maybe it's the holiday blues: watching my friends post their beautiful trees and happy families. This doesn't usually bother me because I love to celebrate in the successes of those I love, but this year I'm failing at that. I believe that part of it is due to finding out I've been excluded from a group of artists that I used to be a part of. Nothing happened as far as I know. But I really know nothing.
I'm trying to be grateful for my health, my husband, and having a roof over our head (for now), but I don't seem to be able to grasp it. I'm feeling a bit of a failure and not sure how to pull myself out of this funk. I don't usually post stuff like this, but today I am. Not really sure why, but I feel better writing it down. A while ago I said I was going to post more personal stuff here, but have mostly let them sit half finished and unpublished. So it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. Let's hope the next year is better than this one.